My Diary #1: The Resolution

I look no different. It’s been months of 5am gym sessions. I am cold. I am tired. I am so. Freaking. Done. Katie’s progress pictures are incredible. Why on earth do i look the same? I ate kale yesterday. FRIGGIN KALE. Heck, I didn’t even remove the stalks and Lord knows my tastebuds don’t deserve that. I want to cry. Tears well in my eyes because I have tried so ridiculously hard. My goal of 24/7 six pack abs is probably impossible, but at this point I’d settle for one ab, leant back in good lighting for one second first thing in the morning.
I want to quit. Lord help me I really, really want to quit. ‘So quit, Sara.’ I tell myself. ‘SLEEP like a normal person. Eat like your tastebuds have feelings too..’ Then suddenly i realise something. I can’t quit. Quitting would mean going back to 2ndyear when I stood on the scales at 69.8kg at 5 foot 3. Told myself I’d eat healthily, then binged on junk food straight after. Quitting would mean accepting that no self control and unhappiness is simply who I am. But I don’t want that to be who I am. I don’t want that to be how I am. This isn’t about my body anymore. This isn’t about my looks. This is about me and my life and how I’m going to live it. The next day, I stop taking weekly progress pictures because my looks are no longer relevant. I also stop forcing myself to eat kale. “Wish I had an 8 pack like yours!” Says the guy at Fitclub 4 months later. “What?” I am genuinely confused. I must have misheard him “Your 8 pack! It’s incredible”. Says fitclub guy again. I look down and see abs.
What is going on. I tell myself it must be good lighting in the hall. When I get home I check again. I still have abs. I take a selfie and compare it to the others from months ago. I’ve got a 6, borderline 8 pack.
I lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling & breathe in this moment. I have done something bigger than what I’d hoped to do. While I thought I was defining my abs, I have somehow taken the steering wheel of my own life and redefined who I am.
I am not a quitter.

And I will never quit again.


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